April 8, 2015… When the missing you turns to longing for you

My sweet sweet Bailey…where do I begin to tell you how much I miss you…right, I don’t have to because you already know. You are in Heaven now and get to know all sorts of things, like how much I miss you and how sad I am this week. I know you are up there in Heaven looking down on me saying “Mama I am fine stop being so sad, you will be up here with me before you know it”. Yes I know you are fine and I will be up there with you one day but that day cannot come soon enough. To miss someone is one thing but I am passed that point now…I long for the day I get to be with you again. I am longing for you like I have never longed for anything else in my life. I don’t know what to do with that….that is hard for me. My best analogy I can give is I feel like an addict going through endless withdrawals. I have never been a person that has had addictions in my life…don’t smoke, rarely drink (just ask daddy as he will tell you I am the cheapest date ever), have never tried drugs, not addicted to my phone, or work, or anything really…until you. I get why people go crazy over addictions and cannot think about anything else but their addiction. You my sweet girl are my addiction…your life was and still is a driving force to mine. Your life is necessary to mine…it consumes me every single day and you not physically being here anymore is overwhelming. Used to, before you went to Heaven, I would consume myself with how to save you, how to give you the happiest day of your life every single day, how to be the best mama I could possibly be for you…all these things that I could do for you because to me that is all that mattered in this world. You were this perfect gift from God and I was so blessed that God chose me to be your mama. I got to spend my life making sure you had the best possible life ever and that was everything to me. Now I am just consumed with how much I need and want you here physically. Everyday you are on my mind…I wonder what you are doing in Heaven, what we would be doing if I were there with you, what we would be doing if you were still here with me, how much I miss you, how much I wish I didn’t have to miss you…you get the picture.

This week has been a tough one and has made me come to the conclusion that when I meet “they” I will punch them in the face then kick them in the teeth….you know “they” who say time will make things easier, because clearly “they” didn’t know you and certainly “they” didn’t ask every single grieving mother if they agreed with that statement months after their children went to Heaven. Let me explain how easy things are now that you have been in Heaven almost 4 months. Monday I got an email from the company that I ordered your headstone with, informing me that contrary to me thinking it would be finished this week like I was told back in February, it will be another 8-10 weeks. Let’s just say I let my crazy show Bay…I know you were shaking your head at me like you used to do when I would let my crazy show when I didn’t feel like people, namely medical professionals, weren’t keeping your best interest in mind. Yep, I vented and wrote a big long email that told them what crap it was that I had to wait another 8-10 weeks to move you to your final resting place…. then realized that no matter what I told this lady it wouldn’t make your headstone come any quicker, so I took the high road and said I was sorry for venting my frustrations….even if it was a half hearted sorry I still said it, so it somewhat counts right?!? Well onto the next crappy incident I had to experience this week, all in the same day I might add. After I sent said email saying I was sorry, my phone rings. I look at it and seem to recognize the number but couldn’t quite remember why I recognized it, so I decide to answer….well let’s just say I should have let voicemail pick up, especially for the sake of Helton Cruz. Poor Helton Cruz from Texas Children’s Hospital. He was all to happy to let me know that part 2 of their CAR trial was opening and you had a spot on the trial. For a split second I got really excited, like I used to when we were trying to get you on a trial, but then ugly reality punched me in the gut and reminded me that I don’t get to be happy about those calls anymore. Instead I told Helton Cruz that he could take you off the list because you didn’t need treatment anymore but I would be sure to tell you about your spot when I visited you at the graveyard that afternoon….and then the floodgates opened. Most time I can choke back the tears and be somewhat polite when explaining that you live in Heaven now, but not that day. I really don’t remember the rest of the conversation but I know he apologized over and over and then I just hung up and immediately texted Dr. Bob. I don’t know why I texted Dr. Bob, except maybe that is what I always did when things like that came up so it was just habit for me. Of course Dr. Bob knew just what to say…he told me that the data from that trial aren’t that impressive anyways and it probably wouldn’t have worked….he reminded me that I couldn’t save you because there is nothing more I could have humanly done to save you,  to which I told him that theory didn’t fit well with the role of super mom I like to pretend I am in, you know the one that could save you because our love was stronger than any stupid cancer. He also reminded me you went to Heaven on your own terms…and he is right Bay. I know in my heart I did everything I could and took you everywhere I could to save you, but it just wasn’t part of the plan….this stupid plan that I want so badly to figure out. I want to know what you know now and see what you see so I can understand why too. Clearly that isn’t how life works and I will just have to be patient and trust my faith…but that is so hard kiddo. Life was so much easier when you were here…as stupid as that sounds to some people. The hospital life and cancer stuff was the easy part. You were here and I was right there with you every step of the way…you made it easy.  This is the hard part.

Keep watching over us sweet girl and please keep sending those signs. We see every one of them and know you are right there with us.  Visit me in my dreams soon sweetpea…I’ll meet you there. Love you to where you are in Heaven and back Bailey…

Grave