February 19, 2015…Broken and Defeated

My sweet Bailey…it’s been two months and one day since you went to Heaven. I wish Heaven were some sort of vacation place you went to, when Earth got to be too much, but you got to come back when the people on Earth missed you too much…because if we are being honest my sweet girl, you would have to come back…at least for a little while. Mama misses you too much…it’s overwhelming, and on most days, more than I think I can take. It is all I think about every minute of every day. If I am not thinking of all the memories we made, I am thinking of all the memories we will not get to make and that makes me extremely sad. I know you are healed now and Heaven is so much better than this Earth will ever be but I am still here and it sucks. I never pictured my life without you.

I just feel so broken and so defeated. My heart is broken into more pieces than I can even begin to describe. It literally breaks more and more everyday, even though I don’t know how that is even possible. I have a hard time going into your room lately. At first it was the only place I wanted to be because all your things are in there and I just had to be close to you and that was the only way. Now when I go in there I stare at your closet with all the clothes still hanging in there…clothes you will never wear again and it makes me sad. I watch your cats, especially Princess, laying on your bed and I know they miss you so much…and it makes me sad. I look at the big box of stuff we had to pack up from the hospital on the day you went to Heaven (because I can’t bring myself to go through those things just yet) and it makes me sad. I look at your cash register you loved and remember all the times you made us play store despite our desparate attempts to try to play something else, knowing I would give anything to play store with you every single day if you wanted to and it makes me sad. I watch you sister wave at your room and say “sissy” every time we pass it in the hall and it makes me sad to know she will not get to grow up with you. The other night I washed Ellie’s hair in Mimi’s bathroom and I went straight to your drawer of things looking for that little brush you used to let me borrow to comb her hair and I instantly got sad. The thing is, all your things are still in place and the house looks exactly the same…down to your medicine still being on the kitchen counter and it gives us comfort…but one thing is missing…YOU. I hope the sadness lessens eventually and my heart doesn’t stay broken forever because I don’t want to be sad everytime I think of you…you were never sad…EVER! We didn’t live a sad life despite all the challenges and setbacks we faced. It just wasn’t our way.

I feel so defeated on top of being broken. I am your mama and I couldn’t save you…I have a hard time with that. I couldn’t protect you and that is a hard pill for me to swallow. I know it wasn’t my job to save you…I know that is not what God intended my purpose in this life to be but I just can’t help it. It is instinct for me, protect my girls. From the day you and your sister were born, it became my mission in life…to protect you from anything that could hurt you. Maybe one day I will not feel so defeated but for now that is not the case. For now I feel like I failed…

Thank you for continuing to send me signs. I need them. I love my drive to work as I get to watch the sunrise and see the pink sky. You and I used to always watch the sunrise on our trips to the hospital in New Orleans and the pink skies were always our favorite…so yes I have noticed every single one of them since you went to Heaven and I LOVE them…so keep them coming. I also love how at just the right moment one of our favorite songs start to play as I am driving and I know it is you. I know you are trying to send me these signs to let me know you are ok…I get it…but my heart still misses you and I don’t think that will ever go away. So please don’t stop…

Visit me in my dreams soon lovebug…love you to where you are in Heaven and back.

I am not me without you...

I am not me without you…