January 19, 2015…The longest month and a day I have ever lived…

Well there is no witty saying or great news to share today. As most of you know my sweet girl went to Heaven on December 18th and I don’t know how to do life without her or how to live with this huge piece of my heart missing, so quite frankly life sucks now. Yes I know I still have alot to be thankful for and we have other kiddos that need us but our family is not complete without Bailey and it never will be ever again… we will always be minus one. No matter how much time goes by or how many years it takes for us to adjust to this new way of life she will always be our missing link. I honestly do not know how I made it one month and one day without her here. I have never been away from her this long… I hate it. Even though I became a mother at the young age of 21, I was not one of those people that pawned her kid off with others to get free time to myself or lived a life that revolved around my schedule. My life was actually quite opposite of that and always has been since November 4, 2002, the day I became a mom. My kids are my life…everything I do revolves around them and their schedules. I never had free time to myself and I was ok with that because nothing mattered more than spending every minute of my day with my children….that is what I cherish most in life. They are what I live my life for…so what does a person do when a big part of that is taken away. I don’t know…I don’t have that answer and I am coming to realize neither does anyone else that has lived this nightmare we are now living. People offer alot of advice on how things will get better, time will heal or how God needed another angel but I am also coming to realize almost all of those people that offer such ”helpful” advice are pretty clueless when it comes to that as well because they have not had to send half of their heart to heaven after only 12 short years. It is very easy to say those cliche things when it is not your child you are going visit in a graveyard every day. With that being said I guess you can tell I am pretty angry now…I was very sad, ok overwhlemingly sad, the first few weeks but now I am just angry. I am angry that we were dealt this crappy hand and even more angry that she was not healed on Earth despite our countless prayers. She was given to me as a gift from God but in no way did I want that gift to be taken back after 12 years…I know some people say “her job here was finished” but my heart is screaming that is not the case for me. My job as her mama is not finished. I need more than 12 years with her…end of story. I did not get enough time to finish being her mama. We were not finished making memories…I was not finished singing her to sleep at night…I was not finished wathcing Disney all day long because that is what she wanted to do…I was not finished planning her new room in our new house with her and disagreeing because hot pink walls were not working for me even though she swore that is the color that helped her relax… I was not finished fussing her for being sassy when she didn’t get her way (which wasn’t very often)…I was not finished watching her become a beautiful teenager…I was not finished being her mama.

I never knew my heart could break like this. It’s a pain that is always there and you are always aware of it…not like that kind that comes and goes. I literally miss her every second of every day…there is never a moment during the day when my thoughts aren’t on her. I know Heaven is a beautiful place and I truly believe she is healed and whole again. I know she no longer needs her wheelchair and she is able to run around again but I cannot tell you how much I longed to see her do those things again here on Earth. In the almost 5 years she fought the dreaded “c” word, I never imagined a future without her in it…in my mind she was always the kid that got her miracle and lived to tell about it. Even though we had conversations about dying and the reality was always lurking about, I never ever for one second felt that would ever become our reality. I was not prepared for her going to Heaven. There were no signs to lead me to believe that she would be going so soon. She didn’t struggle, she wasn’t in pain…granted her body was weakened from chemo but nothing out of the ordinary for her. After almost 5 years of watching her get treatment and recover from treatment, I would know what out of the ordinary for her looked like trust me. Since she was diagnosed I never left her side…I was with her every single day…I knew her inside and out…I never saw this coming….neither did her doctor for that matter. Guess that is why it just doesn’t seem real. I am having a hard time accepting that she is not coming back. I know we will all be together in Heaven again one day (which is the only reason at this point and time I continue to have faith because I know that is the only way to get to where she is) but it doesn’t make this easier. I am human and I want her here with me…nothing makes sense without her. I feel like a zombie that goes through the motions of life now because that is what I need to do in order to survive but I am not used to a living this way…we have never lived this way. Even when she was diagnosed we did not let that “c” word rain on our parade. We lived life and we truly made the best of every single day. We were truly happy and felt extremely blessed despite the crummy hand we were playing with. I am sure happiness will eventually find me again one day but for now my happiness left when she went to Heaven. I try for the sake of everyone else in our family to put on a happy face becasue I don’t want them to see me this sad or to be as sad as I am…but my heart is so broken. The little girl who taught me how to love is not here and it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

Please keep our family in your prayers because even though we always say “Nothing Is Impossible” life without Bailey truly seems impossible right now.

The missing piece of my heart...

The missing piece of my heart…